|Posted on 7 May, 2016 at 7:55|
For all the Grieving Moms that are living with the ultimate sacrifice this Mother's Day, I'm thinking of you all, because we all know what this day feels like when there is a face missing and a heart and soul completely crushed and how this day can tare off the scabs of that wound, and here we go again...another Happy Holiday!! So many talking about all their happiness, and all of them enjoying their children, when you want to scream and forget this day. Or do you? Maybe this mothers day can be one where we remember(if your blessed enough to have memories, some of us don't have a single one, and that's a FACT!!) How about those Mothers Day's while your child was still here? Or if you have a gift perhaps your child made for you years back in kindergarten, maybe this is the year to pull it out and you might be surprised thinking I didn't even know I had this or I forgot about this beautiful finger painting. And maybe you are lucky enough that this day doesn't even faze you, unlikely!!! Because even if you have other children it doesn't take away the pain it can actually make these holidays worse in ways you wouldn't understand this statement unless you have lived it !! Not only is that child not here but you have them as daily reminders of their brother or sister, that of your now broken family forever broken. To see this in your face daily can be so painful. How as a mother could I have let my child die, how did I ruin my entire family and cause my other children so much pain and suffering, I am a mother my only job was to keep my child/children safe and I now live with the fact that I failed! OHH Don't think for 1 second that I'm going to be able to pull out all my dead child's things and look at them with a smile on my face, because the truth of the matter is I still CAN'T and I WONT be!!! My wounds are still there and just when I thought this Mothers Day would be different nope not a chance in hell ! It's sneaking up on me eating away at my heart and emotions everyday leading up to tomorrow, looking on Facebook and seeing all the post about being so thankful, so lucky . Seeing posts about how everyone is going to smile for pictures, going out for brunch, and share all the happy memories they are going to create . Not me my kids have been asking me for days now because they know they have to ask. What do you want to do mom? do you want to go have lunch or lets do this or that, "No way" I want to sit on the couch or bed in my pj's for the day, I can't bare the thought of seeing all this happiness. I'm dreading the fact that on Mothers Day in order for me to see my missing link, my first born son, my baby, will be a trip to that place!! The place no mother can even imagine of going to. I will get myself up on Mothers Day and visit my son at a cemetery because I wont get a wonderful visit from my son, I will only feel cold dirt in my hands not the warmth of my sons skin, I will kiss cold hard concrete not soft moist lips, I will plant flowers in unattended soil, not be given flowers from my son that would now be 27 years old.I will talk only to him, because I will never hear his voice answer me back EVER. I will cry tears down my face not of joy from all the gifts and cards and happiness I had on Mothers Day, but of pain, sorrow and suffering I still feel on this day of celebration. And finally I will take a picture that never changes. Strange that we can take pictures of things and they change with growth and difference, but when you take pictures at a cemetery nothing changes ever, dead is dead. But here is a big but! (But only if I can tomorrow because I never know what it will bring). And to all of you that have never lost a child(this I am truly thankful for, no child should have to die) the answer is NO it still hurts, it actually hurts even more now then it ever has. I have said this time and time again it never ever gets easier it never stops aching inside now its been 7 years and the pain is still there I feel worse because this is no longer a joke, there is no shock to numb me from my pain, my brain can no longer try and pretend he is just on a long trip, there are no more things I can find of my sons and get overjoyed at because when you find one of these items from your dead child its like winning the lottery. There are no more memories it's just another happy holiday for the living. For me I will spend it living in the past, I will visit my sons grave, BUT only if I can, this is a grieving moms Mothers Day.
Written by Sheri Reed grieving her son Stewart Ian Reed